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do i dare disturb the universe?

February 27, 2004

so much to say but i don't know the right words to use. and i don't want to use someone else's words recycled. so much to say but i don't even know what it all is that wants to be said.

it's scary though, now. thinking of levels of investment. how fast i can get close, how there is still such a fucking huge part of me that just wants to be liked and loved, wanted and necessary. liked and loved i am pretty lucky with, i think, but the fact is that now i am not necessary. there isn't anyone whose life would be turned inside out if i left. there are good things about that. not so much burden to carry, the need of someone else, to be relied upon. i rely on other people so easily, too easily probably, and that means that they surprise me with casual meanness that they probably aren't even aware of.

distance and how it grows and pushes and becomes a breathing thing, alive and standing in between you and another. it breaks down emotion, flattening everything out. suddenly you miss less and you love less and you cry a hell of a lot less. and you should feel so glad about that, just purely goddamn grateful. but if you are like me, you savored the emotion and you understood in your marrow that the incredible aching sadness is maybe more beautiful than anything else could be. maybe that one was the most beautiful because it was without remote compare the saddest.

and you look for things in others but maybe they push you back, or maybe they don't fit into you in just the right way. maybe they seem like they will or they won't. maybe you're wrong about that. maybe you're wrong about everything. maybe you never should have left this or that because what if there isn't a next?

but you know, you really really know that you are GOOD at love. it's one thing you do so well, you love richly and unreservedly, you grant every access, you go deep. so you have a feeling there will be a next (and maybe a next and a next) but you like to think at some point there will be a last. not because it ends and nobody can be found, but because they stay and you stay and it stays. it. that thing you hope for and search for but no amount of planning or pulling can bring it any faster.

and maybe it is foolish to care more than most everyone else. to care more than is reflected. maybe it's stupid to care what people think but i do. i care so much about people who resonate with me. and

i'm tired and i'm sad and i'm fine and i'm hopeful and i'm lonely and i'm secure and i'm going to stop now.

the real thing is this. how from the outside you can be so fine, with friends and things, busy going here and there. but inside you're just flailing around. lost. trying to figure out where all the meaning went.