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February 28, 2004

and i was so furious, so angry at his stupid new car. i hate that goddamn car and someone asked me why.

it is a sign of his life now, this life that seems renewed and flush. easily successful, the house and car mostly given to him and so settled now, things all in place and sensible. and just back from tahoe and all, and "oh look at my sunroof." yes it's a fucking big fucking beautiful sunroof. to match your beautiful thoughts and music and girlfriend. go let her exclaim over your car, i don't care to.

because, see, this for me has been the hardest. and now him with his beautiful life, and looking at it like through the window of a house into some warm and cozy firelit trivializes that. us. a stumbling on his course resolved by a minor adjustment. now all is right in his world, better and easy so fast, all the messy bits swept in a closet or under the bed.

anger is preferable to hopeless love, i suppose. but i don't think i wear it well.

so i flooded it into my pillows as much as possible and then i was done. today was running and the beloved monster and up on the rooftop with sun and sandwiches by the water with time enough to talk in a wandering way. busses and a bagful of vegetables for dinner.