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October 28, 2003

email from d, there it was just like that. on my screen unexpected, i wouldn't have been more surprised if he'd suddenly climbed through my window bearing moon pies. i had somehow kind of forgotten to wait to hear from him. i guess the fuzzy grip of the new crush is strong this time. working. i could be glad or scared but what's the point really, neither would change anything. the universe is unfolding exactly as it will.

but there it was and you would think given the situation that i would feel happy or encouraged (or at least satisfied in some petty way) to hear him, FEEL him sound so unhappy, so completely defeated. to know that his life is not good. a "turgid mess". i don't like that. i want him happy and laughing, playing music and loving and winning. i mean i really really want that and reading what he wrote felt like twisting and hurt and hurt. i know i can't fix it. i know better than to even try.

here's the thing. we could have been everything. we could have recreated the world and inhabited it so fully. he decided not to do that. and now, how he's been ever since making that decision. i can't stand it. it says his choice was wrong. and he won't unmake it. and it was wrong. damnit. i told him one time walking by the water, on the sun drenched day i wrote of. the day we took those pictures i still look at, a frozen slice of us happy and warm, smiling at each other through some shitty disposable camera. "if you decide to let this chance go. make sure it's worth it." he said he would.

i don't think he did.

you try to offer someone something so beautiful. when they say no it's the hardest thing. you can't believe how hard it is. and i certainly can't tell it.