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what is pure, what is strong, what is true

October 29, 2003

if i could make the world as pure
and strange as what I see
id put you in the mirror
i put in front of me
--lou reed

how there can be this one person who makes you feel like there is no such thing as fear. no such thing as cannot. you can be these tiny little dots together in this huge huge city behind a waterfall in the dark. or maybe you could expand so big you could hold everything inside you and laugh and everyone would understand love.

and the thought that maybe that person doesn't feel the same way. or if they do feel even some of it they just...won't. is impossible to internalize. your brain and your heart and your gut just refuse to take it, you put it in there and it just bleeds out again. you sort of know it, but you never really understand or accept it. that idea will never become part of you.

i know what it will take to stop it. i mean i know people must think i just keep doing this because i want to. or just out of some stupid pointless hope. or not being strong enough. i don't know, is it strong to walk away from the truest thing you've found just because it's not the way you want it to be? how do you will yourself to not be saved. how many people even get that chance.

and the truth is that i am okay. getting through. this will fade away and it will die. and that makes me sadder than anything else.