no martyr i

October 01, 2003
11.14p

because everyone needs the kind of friendship where they look at you all narrow eyes and say "don't martyr yourself for me" in a kind of derisive way and you know exactly what they mean and you can only laugh because you know they're dead right. where they won't promise you it will be okay no matter what because that wouldn't really be real just now.

what is happening now is for a reason, i don't question that for one second. maybe it's about being light. open. simple. or just knowing that i can feel a rush for someone other than one of those two. swinging back and forth with the polarity of them for way way too long and now something else. something outside. and not heavy and not forever feeling. and that's the good part. there are bad parts too.

we don't choose our emotions. we choose what we do with them.

my feelings for d are complicated. it's like there's this cliff and i'm standing back looking at it wondering how close i should go. something about it, maybe i am attracted to the sadness. it can feel so wrongly good at first. alive and saturated. but i know. i KNOW. later it isn't like that. it's dying and it's cutting and it's aching and i don't want that part. it's the glamorous early tragic heroine sadness i want, if anything. knowing how far down to go is the sticky part, and can i really stop when i want to? and when i get there will i still want to? i don't think i trust it. with good reason. i know.

sometimes i deserve more credit than i get for seeing things clearly.