quiet heart, empty hands

September 29, 2003
12:46 pm

it's all waiting and it's so slow and too messy. waiting for i don't even know what this time. just this sense of holding breath, tense and always readying myself to flee. i haven't read a book in so long. i haven't baked cookies in so long. haven't kissed. haven't cried! my god i haven't cried in i don't even know how long. i mean i'm just realizing this as i type, right now, i haven't cried in weeks. i almost can't believe it.

yes, i feel hard. but lately there isn't much to feel hard about and it's good to be okay, steady. but honestly, i miss the saturation. i know i can be more vibrant than this. more interesting, more energetic, more alive. more me. i was that way one night last week when he told me "you are shining and i am a living shadow." but i didn't make that light. i only reflected it.

and i made a rational decision. suppressed the irrational stuff i didn't understand. which that one says is a good thing. but to me feels like a candle being blown out.