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welcome back to the dollhouse

July 14, 2003
12:21 am

since i last wrote i have argued with a friend who i thought was a very good friend but now i'm not sure. sad. maybe david was right and i trust people too much too easily. i have seen him, walked and talked, he bought me fruit water, just grabbed it from my hand and put it with his stuff like he always does and i just love that so much and though i always think i should protest i never really do. i have in effect been laid off. i have retreated to the insane (good kind) sanity of a cabin in the northern sierras with three of the best sort of friends and oh what a time it was.

before i left i sent two emails that were very important and very hard for me to write and i really wanted to see responses tonight. i didn't, neither one wrote back to me in five days and that isn't good feeling. and nowhere to go tomorrow, no work anymore. and and and. and my life is broken still. again. and. disappointment.

so there's this stress test. i score close to 700 which is way off the charts. and if i count my breakup as a "divorce" (because there is no category for the breakup of a long relationship) and my day in jail following the protests as "jail term" then it approaches 850. which is nearly three times the top of their scale. and that's without even trying to figure out how to include the david stuff. the point of all this is simply that next time i feel guilty because i maybe talk about my problems too much and i feel too complainey, i think i will remind myself that one could consider it an accomplishment that i'm not up in a clock tower with an automatic weapon.

there is good news though, yes, tonight we will end on an up note. first of all, i discovered that my stress symptoms are mild and in hand. thanks mainly to friends and music and writing and running i think. also, i have a job interview on tuesday and i'm feeling very happy about that. and my little room is still noisy and a bit cold, but it is mine you know, familiar and tonight i get to sleep in my own bed with all my things around me and that is something worth noting.

i think a change is coming. i think i'm ready for it.