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July 14, 2003
2:22 pm

here is what i dreamed last night:

i was sitting on the floor at the foot of a bed with my back resting against the bed, it was in a private room in a public place...i had the feeling it was in a target store or something like that. david was lying on the bed behind me, on his stomach, so that his head was right next to/behind mine. he had his arms around my shoulders and neck and was just holding me that way. i understood that he was trying to comfort me. his hands were laced together and resting on my chest and i had my hands over his, holding them, not wanting him to let go of me so i was holding his hands there in place and kind of stroking them with my thumbs. i was crying and he was trying to console me. i remember him saying that he knows that being with women is important to me, so maybe this is for the best (that i can't be with him). and i was thinking of responses to that but i couldn't or didn't say that what it is with women is a different level of emotional intimacy and i have that with him, more than with anyone, guy or girl. also knowing in my dream this immediate knowledge that i wanted to turn around and look at his face and tell him how deeply in love with him i am, let him see it on me.

and then i woke up and my pillow was wet with tears. and when he called me a few minutes ago from downstairs to ask if i wanted to go to the beach with him, i was sort of glad i couldn't go.