out, out, brief candle (again)

June 26, 2004
8.19a

distraction is great i suppose, but the things you were being distracted from just seem to hit you harder the next morning, don't they? when the first glint of consciousness pokes at your brain and usually you can roll over and maybe put a pillow over your head and sleep again. but instead, now the thoughts start to mutter and you realize how things are. it wasn't some crazy dream, all of last night really happened and that explains a lot of what's happening in your body, if you think about it. and then sleep becomes unreachable, this temporary comfort that has utterly receded.

last night she left. it is done, and done and done. it was bright and warm and beautiful and now it's over and i will find a way to make that okay i guess. i will find things to tell myself, lessons to be dutifully learned. really, i always knew it was coming. i just wasn't ready for it to be now. somehow you never know the last time you make love to someone that it's going to be the last time.

everyone always leaving, always shifting. it takes so much energy and i don't want to let go anymore, that's the thing. i don't want to get over anyone else. i don't even want to try.

before, when i was sad, i used to think the tears i cried were tears of purity. i guess the implication of that is ambiguous and i think i will choose to leave it that way.