pure and strange

May 31, 2004
10.29p

so now i have two trips worth of unpacking to finish. good but strange weekend sort of, wandered southwards and there is a constant tugging undercurrent wanting to pull me when i should just be loving the feeling of sunshine. "learning how to let myself be loved again" i told julia. right now is good, i want to be better at being immersed in now.

the thing is this: last week ken and i built the most beautiful

oh, typing this just now i saw a little "new email" message and it's from her, and sometimes she says one thing but means another. and i feel it and feel it and it's so different than any other, she is so different and that makes or made her uncomfortable, the differentness, but for me those small points of divergence just fill me up with so much warmth. she thinks i am laughing at her but i never never am. it is simply that this girl fascinates me, i want to poke and study and figure her out, want to watch how the corners of her eyes crinkle and the way that sometimes i am so absorbed by this quality in her voice that i lose track of the words. those times she thinks i'm bored but that isn't it at all. i'm just a little lost in

the way that someone's face looks so different when they're thisclose and it's mostly dark...

but back to what i was saying before. ken and i built this amazing ball which was basically an icosahedron with structural reinforcements, made of metal rods and ball bearings of different sizes for the vertices. it was regular and perfectly patterned, mathematical and gorgeous and knowable but still somehow transcended its own geometry. i loved it, i held it in my cupped hands and i loved it and i wanted so badly to crush it. for two days my hands itched from longing to smush it in to a jumbled little magnetic pile, senseless and chaotic. finally at the end of friday he said "okay, crush it" and i did and it was relief and satisfaction and i lumped the parts around in my hands and i said it was the best feeling all week.

what was so compelling about destroying perfection?