with these things there's no telling

May 24, 2004
10.04p

today i found myself sitting across from a girl (the girl) and this knowledge smacks me in the face and it's that i have moved on. am moving on. i don't know, these categories aren't as digital as we force them to be. i hear myself saying these things about just not wanting to fuck this up, how shining it is and i breathe and think "i mean this, i really do." she says trust me, she says can i just, she says will you...and i am surprised to find that the answers are yes.

it isn't all easy. lying next to her in bed during the weekend i started to think "she is leaving she is leaving oh god" and that kind of knowing will make you do stupid things. it will make you want to grab and direct, push and mold and clip and if all that fails just retreat. "i'll miss you when you're gone so just get out." she is moving away at the end of the summer and endings are the saddest things, even the good ones.

"i wasn't ready for this" i keep saying to people around me. but you know i think i must have been, or it wouldn't have happened.