trust

April 15, 2004
2.06a

somewhere around "should i trust you?" it all changed.

before that there was kissing. kissing! and close and looking with eyes and funny little smiles on the couch in the good bar with terrible music. one thing i didn't ask was "do you think the art here is worse than the music? or the other way around?"

it has been a long time since i kissed anyone.

after that question (the one i did ask) though it was different, more conscious i think. a feeling of wanting something but i couldn't even say what. not bad just different.

one thing i don't understand is why people always tell me they don't deserve me or they don't feel good enough or however it is phrased. it is a strange feeling to hear that, and i know this sounds terrible and smug and just egotistical. but i don't mean it like that, i mean that i really wonder. and i don't want it that way. i don't think that i am too good, because that implies imbalance, distance.

but she said something i think i will never forget. she said she thinks she understands how david must have felt. seeing me as something precious, something too good, and wanting to protect me. and just sitting there with all of this in the air and not knowing what will happen with any of it, or even what i want to happen. then hearing that. it was devastating and i tried to contain it and it was so beautiful and obviously genuine, and sad too.

i know i make things more serious than they need to be. i know i do. i don't have to do that now. right? nobody ever has to do anything, really.