hush

March 08, 2004
10.51p

i love when everyone has gone to sleep, the house is quiet and so still, everyone pillowed and softly breathing. i love how then i go to get a glass of water, bare feet on wood floor, warmth of the day still hanging in the hallway. i think about the ending day.

how matt and heather say that everyone is looking for someone to "mirror their specialness." someone who sees and appreciates those things that you value in yourself. i guess this is the ultimate form of validation, connection. you become worthier of your own esteem because they agree. so obviously you're pretty goddamn amazing.

and i get it, i do. it's a wonderful thought. and i hope for it. but also i think...i want to be the one who can mirror my own specialness. i want to know that i am pretty goddamn amazing, feel it under my bare feet and hanging there in the hallway. in the dark after everyone else is asleep and nobody can see...i want to hold myself in the knowing.

because sometimes i really think you can't trust love at all. you never know when something will shift and you can't ever go backwards. that's the thing about it. it's one way and once you go you're gone, that's it. and it seems like if you find one with chemistry shared and you can laugh together and have fun most days and be tender and silly and say "i love you" and really really mean it then you're all tucked away but it isn't like that. it just isn't. not at all.

it's intangible and slippery and it makes no sense, it's scary and it's making a choice, do i try to climb onto this ship that is pulling away and maybe just get stuck dangling off the side forever, or falling down and down lost and alone. or do i just stand here watching each opportunity recede in a rush and tasting my disconnect?

these are things i think about in my house in the dark when everyone else has gone to sleep.