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"how i sank into your soul"

November 06, 2003

alberto the plumber is late. this is the third day in a row he was supposed to show up and fix our sink, which has been broken since sunday. we are a house of four girls and we have not had a bathroom sink. since sunday. today is thursday. and alberto is a complete flake and if he doesn't show up tonight i am calling my landlord tomorrow and demanding some kind of...something. restitution. this is ... i feel like spewing out my tv laywer jargon. "your honor, i find this unconscionable! untenable! and morally reprehensible!"

it may be the lack of sleep making me slightly more irritable than usual.

last night was with david and it was just very perfect (or almost perfect i suppose). and YES i know i know. but i'm fine and it's really fine. i know what it is and what it is not. and things he says sometimes that make the not seem like is...well i know how to take them now. which is to not take them, really, except as an expression that i am not imagining anything. but just because something isn't imagined...doesn't mean it's going to be real either.

and sometimes i find myself starting to censor what i write in here because of what this person or that might think of it. and i don't want to do it. this is my space and my outlet and so this is fair warning. i am going to ooze a bit about the wonderful little details that make me happy. and later on i will likely angst about the missing. and it doesn't mean i'm putting my all in it, doesn't mean i'm slipping again. it just means that i don't have this all the way figured out just yet. and i'm okay with that.

there were looks exchanged under eyelashes and out of corners of eyes. there were smiles and locking moments. there was intentional scuffling for foot space under the table of the cafe where he studies, where he brought me, where he bought coffee and i sat with him to write while he studied. all glowy warm and safe tucked in the corner with him there and both working and listening to our own music and sometimes looking up to mouth a word or write a note. intimate and right exactly where i wanted to be. for 5 1/2 hours last night i was exactly where i wanted to be, i would not have traded any of it away. and i think that is something.

he said "you are not just another friend though, you are in a separate, in-between category." and that is how i feel about him. i have never had a relationship like this. probably most people haven't. but it is what it is and for all its flaws i have decided to accept it. i think you can decide that about relationships just like you can decide that about people. that for all the ways they're hard there are ten times as many ways they're beautiful and opening and good. and that makes it so much more than worth it.

and he wrote a song about me. he told me he wrote a song about me. he is endlessly beautiful and he wrote a song. about me.