the all in all

September 07, 2003
3:38 pm

happy birthday sugarbeet! it's heather's birthday and i do love her so.

i came home last night at 4am and wrote him this. call it unsent #6? i guess. i don't know, maybe i'll still send it.

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so i just got home from this party and it was this crazy and spinning exploding sort of night, and it was there and real and just very beautiful. i took e for the first time and that was good, i mean happy and bouncy dancing laughing and talking to strangers kind of nice. smiles all around. i'm usually not so good at parties but tonight was just different. and not because of drugs or drinking, i didn't feel that terribly affected. it was because this thing, this realization that i had. that not only am i okay being alone. i LIKE being alone. i like getting there with ten friends and then all going our separate ways and leaving at different times and meeting people and that thrill of...not interest or even possibility but just the idea that the possibility is there when i want it. like an opening to an opening sort of. and it was just really really good, i mean people were paying all this attention to me. and this sounds very self-aggrandizing and i feel embarrassed typing it but it's an important part of my realization is why i'm saying it. so people. boys. men. whatever. i mean, not all of them but a few. they wanted to be next to me and dance with me and talk to me and i would smile and laugh for a little then drift off to the next thing and it was just so goddamn nice. and it hit me. everyone always thinks, or i usually think, oh but i want someone to go home with and tangle up, someone to be close to, or whatever thing it is about having that person. i used to think that a lot, it was a big part of what drew me back to ml i suppose. but all of a sudden it's like i realized i was holding that but maybe i didn't really WANT it, you know? and then it was just so free because i know who i am and i know what i'm worth and i don't need a boy or a girl standing next to me to remind me of that. and of course i'm looking forward to that time when i start to really really know someone and there's that rush of knowing that it's a person i could love. but now i don't need to search for that anymore. and that makes me so happy and i don't know why but i just wanted to tell you.

because goddamn it i am so glad that you are my friend. and i don't want us to be surfacey friends. i want real and i want that sense of you getting me in a way that almost nobody can, and me getting you in a way that obviates any need for explanation. you changed my life and you made it better and maybe this is some expression of my wanting the same for you.

and it's not about being single or not, resolving things one way or another at all. it's much more general than that, it's knowing that after prolonged shittiness things can get really really good. i have been torn apart for so long and now. tonight. it feels whole and like life is starting to be right. and i think i just wanted to give you a part of that. tell you that it's there and that you will have it too. that sense of free and calm and just really really right. you will. i promise. you seemeed so lost the other night and i just want to tell you that you will come out on the other side, better than fine.

be well.

a