okay, so i spend a lot of time feeling shitty. witness this diary. but at least i'm honest you know? there are people who just lie to themselves always and it's such a pointless waste of life and time. i think the most worthy goal is to be real. examine self mind heart soul. know who you are and what you are worth and absolutely do not waver.
advice to a future iteration of myself reading back through these pages: if shitty things happen then feel shitty and be unwavering in that as well, until you are ready to be done with it. then shake yourself and laugh and go on to the next thing. i'm just saying. it's okay to be miserable and scared and lonely and lost. and it's okay to not feel those things too. but to escape from them by ignoring huge chunks of who you are and the reality of your life is cowardly and dishonest and self-destructive.
also. people get confused about what love is. i think it's simple. to love someone is to want them to move and grow and be and achieve and experience every every every thing they don't even know they have in them yet. not just want that but support it in active meaningful ways. and yes that often seems in conflict with what we want for ourselves. i think it's not supposed to be easy. love is not a platitude.
my horoscope (i know i know) says that i am adapting to all the changes around me as fast as i can. that i might seem preoccupied or distant but i really just need all my energy to adjust. and that everyone will need to be patient.
so be patient.
today i was interested in steve albini's essay the problem with music. i mean aside from being a living legend. he knows of what he speaks.