missed

April 17, 2004
1.46a

i said no to something because i thought it was the right thing, then i spent the rest of the night thinking dumb dumbdumbdumb. maybe not dumb, i don't know. certainly out of character. hard to draw the line between self protection and thinking too much.

and missed a phone call from the person i most need to talk to right now. too loud in the bar, i guess. very strange, all of it. been a strange week. maybe when i wake up tomorrow it will really be last monday morning and i will have dreamed the whole stupid thing. wouldn't that be a tidy television way to wrap it all up?

i have this feeling of standing there. everything is perfectly still around me but i can see some apocalyptic mess just rushing at me so fast it's screaming. and not knowing what to do.