loved: past tense

September 28, 2004
3.28p

she loved me, for a little while. and the world was a warm and safe place and i was happy.

she says she still loves me but now she is gone and she says it is not healthy for her to be in a relationship. and she says "please understand, you must let go." and that doesn't feel like love, not the kind i can touch or taste and i never was too big on the theoretical far-off kind. to me love isn't an idea, it isn't some passive state you claim to make people feel better.

i mean, what kind of sense does it make? like...i love you but i'm just going to be over here where you can't see me or talk to me and i won't be holding you or kissing you anymore but i still love you so i haven't really gone away.

it doesn't make any kind of sense that makes me feel better in the middle of the night or even just sitting at my desk around 3.30 in the afternoon staring out the window with my eyes burning a little.

and it doesn't make me feel better as i move through the world that i can't escape and don't have the luxury of blocking out like she is doing now. i can't choose not to see anyone and what am i supposed to say when people ask "how's jas?" i guess i am supposed to say that she ended the relationship but at least she still loves me, so you know everything is going to be okay.

she keeps saying everything will be okay but i can't touch or taste that, either.

i just want the kind of love that stays close and doesn't leave. that's what kind i want now. why is it so hard always?