everything hits at once

July 29, 2004
8.33p

this week i've had whiplash and strep throat and i had to pay almost $500 to the fucking dmv for a car that got shot and towed away six months ago.

and today found myself in an argument that i've been in too many times before, on one side or the other. what do you do though, when all they want is for you to make it or let it be okay, but it's just not okay. some of it is their fault and some is surely yours, but your feelings are so there and they're so real. and that's all you can see, and fault is just an irrelevant construct anyway.

and suddenly she says "i'll make it up to you" and then all i hear is the ghost of another one who couldn't plan and wouldn't decide and let me down and said "i'll make it up to you." and of course, never did. and i always said it was fine but it wasn't, it was the opposite of fine.

i hope nobody ever says that to me, ever again. for other reasons, too...a relationship is not an account to be tallied and balanced. there shouldn't be these outstanding debts.

the timing is bad, i know there's nothing really to be done in this short time before she leaves. so what's the point of bringing it up even, except that it is. except that i've been lying in my bed alone and sick for two days and when she says "but i spend SO much time with you" i just want to laugh, and not in a good way.