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into the ocean

June 16, 2004
11.14p

"i'm not assuming that we're going to be together," i said and i knew i meant something good by it but i couldn't really articulate what that was. later figured out part of it was about resting the power of decision with her. like saying i know, i know i messed things up and you got pulled in and how very very unfair it was to you.

see what happened was after so long of loving david he said he loved me and maybe we should be together. and hearing that...it didn't even seem like a choice. before the knowing i had it under control, we were friends and it was good, i was happy that way and happy with her, figuring things out. anyway my life got knocked out of orbit for a bit but then of course it wasn't what i thought. but even before it exploded i found myself looking ahead and just seeing darkness and heartache with him and feeling so sad. and she is like the sunshine, like the stars.

and it was a terrible thing for her but so necessary and so freeing for me. i really understand these things now, i never would have without this time. all the people who told me and i had a million reasons why they were wrong, they didn't understand. but they weren't, and they did. and once you see it you can't ever un-see. now i don't feel like i will need to struggle to contain that anymore. because for all the strength and beauty of what i offered him, it was never going to be worth it.

and now we are stepped back and figuring it out, she and i. i said here i am if you want me, i want you and i won't be going anywhere anymore. i said take your time and i meant it, because i want to be chosen that way. deliberately and clearly. that is how i choose her, and it's an interesting situation really. we saw the preview, we know what it's like. we know how it is to be together, to see a movie or travel together, to laugh and sing together, to sleep next to each other.

and i miss the feel of her there but mostly i think this is a good place to be right now, and that's what i meant about not assuming too. we are pausing, thinking and measuring and choosing and earning. i think if it works it will be even better than before. it won't be something slid into because of not wanting to think or resist anymore.

so last night i finally finished her mix cd. beautiful songs, some of them already have meaning for us. some are new to her and some familiar and i really thought carefully about each, ordering them just so. it is entirely inspired by her and for her.

and i think maybe this time i got it pretty close to right.