of my own design

June 12, 2004
10.07p

it hit me today. the morning was okay. fed the cats, walked boogie. back to bed. brunch then wandering around the shops in my neighborhood then back to bed again. and all i wanted to do for the rest of the day was eat junk food and sleep. "hello depression," julia said. hello. sleep and sleep and sleep, sluggishly waking up to wander around the apartment for a bit.

so much changing, so much losing, it's all too much and i thought...i give up on all of it. i just want to sleep today and tomorrow and all the time just stay in bed. woke up sometimes grinding teeth, biting the tip of my tongue once. had dreams inside of dreams, half-real ones, getting emails waking up to check and they're real but it's still a dream, waking up to check for real and nothing there.

realized this could be a really bad turn so as a last grasping act of hope i dragged myself into some clothes and out the door and around the corner to get some healthy food. to the store for fish oil, julia swears by it. omega-3s, they are supposed to fight depression you know. sometimes my heart starts beating fast and hard and i look at the wall and everything hurts, psychically.

i'm not doing so well.

and the thing is...i thought i had learned these lessons already.