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June 06, 2004

dinner with ml. and after hundreds and hundreds of dinners eaten across from her, loving or hating or longing or crying or fighting...i am finally free of the intensity. it was fine to see her, good to catch up, laugh at her crazy stories. but she is someone else now, harder and sharp edged, i think not aware of her own unhappiness.

now i think i can see how i carried this representation of her around in my mind that is not her at all. or maybe it's the best version of her, i sometimes think i could see that, maybe someone else will pull it out of her again someday. but the now-her is all bravado and quick jokes and judgement and thick layers of cynicism, the real thing, not the ironic laughing sort.

she sat there as a contrast to the way i've been softer and freer lately. and it made me realize how time can just swallow up everything. i guess it should have been sad, but somehow it just didn't seem to matter that much.