like snow. like gold.

April 21, 2004
10.38p

i wrote this really cynical entry before. i didn't put it up for anyone else to see. but for a little while it existed.

i wrote some about how most people lie to themselves. about how maybe this idea of "persona" is just the set of lies we choose to believe and promote the hardest. and how we all want to think we're doing things for the right reasons. then we realize later how wrong we were.

my conclusion in that almost-entry was that you will inevitably lie to yourself about your motivations. so you might as well just do what you want to at any given moment.

but i don't really think that's right. i had this long talk tonight that made me remember how scared everyone is. we're always afraid of doing the wrong thing. of hurting other people. mostly of getting hurt ourselves. scared of looking stupid. of being stupid. of getting lost. of losing. just scared of what's around the next corner, or what isn't there.

like we're all just curled in on ourselves, hiding our soft places because of what might happen if we get touched there.

and how really sad it is that loving ourselves is the hardest thing to do. i can tell julia "you should love yourself, you should. you are amazing, just love yourself, damnit, why wouldn't you?" but still, although i'm closer than i ever have been, i can't say i really love myself. i can't say it yet, not without lying.