unawares

March 16, 2004
9.25p

i haven't seen my ex-girlfriend in more than six months. nor spoken with her, nor had any contact of any sort until the emails of last week and this week. and right now, she is sitting not 75 feet away from me. in the cafe on the ground floor of the building where i live. my cafe! mine!

so what was that, and what in the world am i feeling? okay numb, but that's not really a feeling. neither is shaky. numb, shaky, what else. argh! coming home from a wonderful warm relaxing dinner and long talk and andrea drove me all the way home, so nice and everything. and walking across the street i looked in the cafe and she was in there. sitting with someone. i panicked! why did i panic, she was looking at me and i saw her and then this adrenaline rush caused me to raise my hand in a little half wave with a little half smile and as she said something to her companion i sped up and turned away towards my front door. shaky handed with the keys a little bit, half wondering if i would hear her calling me from the door to the cafe.

i mean, what was that? of all the places to sit and be. even now, still spinning, still trying to parse my response. it's just all a little too strange and sudden and close and you know what? she still has this pull on me. gravitational, cellular. even through the glass of the cafe window i felt it like a vibration, like a sine wave. hesitating in the middle of the street for a moment that was too narrow, everything else tunnelled away, i felt it. a strong connection, but i think not a healthy one for me.

whatever. i don't know what it means. i don't know why she's there. i don't even know how i feel about it. but ultimately it doesn't matter. it is what it is. it doesn't change anything, and it shouldn't. things are exactly as they must be. this distance should exist now, her bridging it doesn't change that. she was there and we saw each other and i think with a look we said on some deep level all we really needed to say to each other.