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reflected, refined

March 11, 2004

an amazing thing happened the other day. i was reading back through this diary and i found something written not long ago about how i was counting the days. i knew just how many it had been since i had seen him, since we had talked, and since he had emailed. i could have rattled them all off to you without a pause, if you'd asked me to. i might have done so even if you didn't ask me to.

but i was reading through and when i got to that bit i thought...i have absolutely no idea how many days it has been. no idea! and i bounced up out of my chair a little just to think of it, just to think of what a freedom that was. like the first time you wear sandals in the spring and suddenly your toes can breathe and wiggle and you realize they didn't like being locked away for so long. and i sat there. breathing and wiggling.

how a day goes by. then a few days, then a week, a month. and you can't think of where or how it went, you just know you feel better for it.

i know that it has been six months since i talked to her, or emailed, or anything. then today there it was, her email address in my inbox, all bold text unclicked. and i felt it in my stomach, and i switched away from the email window.

but i think it was okay, the back forth back forth of it. more natural by the end, and easier to say "i am doing well" and to really mean it. to have something to say, and saying it to this person who i loved and wanted and hated and pitied and fought with and held and tasted her tears and mine and we couldn't stop kissing, like if we could ever just kiss hard enough we could figure it all out. i lost myself, a little. sometimes i lost myself a lot. finally there was no place where i ended and she began and then it was time to go.

i will lose myself again, i'm sure of it. this time i i will try not to let it use me up.