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February 16, 2004

i had this idea that he would disappear again after seeing me once. that that would be enough, and he would know that i am still too unsteady. there was relief and safety in that thought. i know that i can stay away, my side of it i can manage. what i don't know is whether i'm strong enough to ask him to stay away again.

and so i didn't respond to the email. well, the second one, anyway. i distanced myself when he called (and i hate myself that way, cold and unresponsive because of feeling threatened and that was exactly what i was trying not to do anymore) and i find myself hoping that the email he said he would send, with dates of shows he thinks i might like to see with him, the one i didn't ask for, never arrives. because i really just have no idea how to say no.

i asked him to go away and he did, for five weeks exactly. thirty-five days and god damn matt for being right but i counted every one. so much nothing for so long and now a rush of attention, and i feel it so much sharper focused, in the places where i breathe, in all the places i can't get to. i became unused to his attention, his presence, i was beginning to forget the power of it. i was beginning to see the way through. and now it hurts again and i can't remember how to hold it all.