hello, goodbye (again)

February 14, 2004
3.56p

i was just writing in here about how i wasn't that sad. about how it was fine and i was fine. and then realized it wasn't very true. i mean, it is on one level because i know now that i'm better if i don't see him, it is really better that way. but right now, this second, i am sad and i am angry. he could have had me, i would have loved him forever and been good to him, good for him. it's as impossible to understand as it ever was. and i want to make him hear and know that but it's just one more thing out of my control.

it was the same as always though, easy and like time holding still, but now more full of things not said. i wonder if the significance of the day escaped his notice.

good to tell him all the things that have happened and watch him laugh and get excited for me. the guitar, new york, costa rica. my car. he laughed his ass off the second i told him, just like i knew it would be. he chainsmoked like i've never seen before. i mentioned it and he said "yeah, i don't know why." "because you're stressed," i said. "you always smoke too much when you're stressed." yeah.

it would be a lie to say it's not still compelling, to say that he doesn't still feel like home. to say that i don't miss it desperately sometimes.

but one thing that has changed is that it feels slightly more past than present. and the future? one big smeary unknown quantity.

i told him to just keep the keys, leave them at the office, whatever. i don't need them anymore. he said no at first. i insisted. i didn't want him to bring them back, to give myself an excuse to see him another time so soon.

so i say goodbye again to the beautiful boy with the dearest muddled heart. i hope he takes good care of himself, because i know i can't try to do that anymore.