free?

February 09, 2004
8.04p

"two sex dreams in less than two months," she said. "we need to hook you up with someone." ack! no no no no no. and no. i mean, i appreciate the idea and the wanting me to be happy. but no. i can't even explain why, but all i could say was no no no.

i understand the idea that something less intense, something easy would be good after the last year. after the last four or ten years, really. but i am missing some pathway in my brain or my heart that would allow me to be light and easy. like turns to love turns to lost and devoted so fast you can hardly breathe.

and so when i do find myself possibly thinking "hi i could like you" i turn it off off off so fast. scary!

also, i am in a weird place now. i can watch the sappy movies and say "pah. sorry but love does NOT conquer all. it just doesn't." i can say this empirically. i have learned it. i can also believe, though, that without love there is no goddamn point to anything. i mean, i'm still not sure i'll feel that way again. i know it's stupid and it makes me sound pathetic to admit that, but i'm really just not sure. i'm not opposed to it. i hope for it. it's just hard to imagine. and without it, the true thing...i mean, why go through all the mess and the ache of it.

but sometimes i do feel somehow left out. not jealous certainly, not even envious. just...slighted? why does everyone else get to go out and have fun and like people and feel that zing! feeling like oh! hi! people get excited about other people and i sometimes do wish that i did too.

but of course it is what it is. and so i will be here, with my diary, these silly indulgent words i write. with my friends and my books and my guitar. and that is okay, too. it really is.