engaged in the now

January 31, 2004
1.18a

i played my guitar. i made clumsy chords while they talked and candles burned and music pushed into all the corners of my room. then jasman played and it was like...she plies the guitar, coaxes. she is graceful and confident until she remembers her audience. and then i wish the world didn't teach us to reserve, because i wanted to focus and to explain that it was beautiful.

tonight i found myself in exactly the same spot i sat in exactly three weeks ago tonight, the night i said i cannot be stuck here anymore. i mean physically, the same table same chair same patio same restaurant same goddamn food and drink even. unintentionally. and when i realized it there was this quick reactive process wherein i decided that i didn't need to give it energy. so i just...didn't.

later when we talked about how free it is to understand that now is all there really is. i thought yes, i know the power of that. everything that david and i were for each other is past. and that is a loss, and full of sadness. but the powerful part is this: the sad will someday be in the past also. "nothing stays." sometimes i think it should but that is like screaming into the wind.