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January 24, 2004

i realized something last night as i drove home across the bridge scanning everywhere for a particular make and model of car, a certain color. i have arranged a long break from my volunteering which means more to me than most other things i do. i told myself i needed more free time, needed not to be accountable to people right now. and those things are true but now i know also it's wanting to avoid that side of the bay. his side of the bay. and especially wanting to avoid the bridge.

we have lived most of our friendship on opposite sides of the bridge. first he was west and i was east, and then we switched. but still somehow so many trips across and back together, or sometimes with me following his car and once or twice watching him hold his phone to his ear with a twang of jealousy wondering if he was calling her. and then my phone rang and he said "you see what i go through for you? look at this traffic!" with a smile in his voice. the strange intimacy of talking to him on the phone when i could see him just in front of me, holding the phone to his ear.

how many times we crossed back together, midnight, two, three, later. the bridge is in between, neither my side nor his, and so it is somehow ours. now i will avoid the long stretches of coming or going, time always spent thinking of him and always with some sad and meaningful song fighting its way out through the speakers against my better judgement.

ah. the things i said i would do are behind me now. the rest of the weekend is mine, to burrow and hide and rub burning eyes with soggy wrists. to sleep. to sleep.