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the myth of togetherness

January 19, 2004

i cannot understand why so many people think the only way to be happy and fulfilled as a person is to be in a relationship. do they never look around, never think about the quality of the relationships they see? because i will tell you, in my experience, most of them are not good, where good is defined by me to mean connected. wholly honest. rewarding. conducive to growth and self-actualization. involving fundamental happiness (the real thing, not just the relief of regular sex and weekend plans or the systemic euphoria of being adored) more often than not, and certainly more often than anger or sadness or discontent or boredom.

a lot of people in relationships are not happy. i spent a lot of time in my last one wishing i were out of it. so why the prevailing certainty that getting into one will make you happier? auigh. go get a hobby. or a pet. people who stay and stay where they are really kind of miserable because they think that being "alone" is worse (as if anyone without a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse is alone and drifting empty hearted)...

of course this is all somewhat hypocritical because i have been one of those people. more than once. the myth of togetherness has a strong pull. still, i have to believe we can learn from those mistakes. i have to believe that i have learned. that next time (if there is a next time) my relationship sours it won't take me so long to figure out what it is and what to do.

of course i hope to find the kind of relationship that i define as good. and yeah, sometimes i miss the warmth next to me, miss the security of the assumption of togetherness behind the question "what are we doing tonight?" but i don't need anyone to complete me. i am already whole. and i am holding out for another true thing.

the grass must be green somewhere.