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irresistible force

January 17, 2004

following form, the universe refuses to let david be absent from my life, even for a little while. even when it is me choosing the distance. he is in aaron's history class, they sat together yesterday. everybody says the same thing about it. "weird."

to me...i mean it was shocking, the reminder of it and i ducked into the bathroom for a few minutes when my eyes got too watery to hide. it was visceral and it hurt. but in a way it didn't seem strange or inconsistent at all. in context of the dozens of concidences, enough now to make me want to write them all down and pore over them.

and now i'm struggling against the part of me that wants to grab this and use it as evidence of the purposefulness of things. the way it has always seemed inevitable, how david and i are supposed to be. i have believed so fully in him, in whatever this is. and now my rational mind says to stop that and to let it go, put aside the hope and just go in another direction now.

but that's the tricky thing about faith...i mean the real true thing. it's not so easy to shake. it looks for reasons to stay alive. and if it ever really goes, i wonder what is there to replace it?