sidestep

January 04, 2004
10.22p

i have been avoiding writing in here for days. there is something inhabiting my thoughts, there is a process that i'm inside of in my head all the time. i'm not ready to put it down yet, commit to words. something about...well you know in physics, they say the act of observing something changes it? i think writing is like that too, once you write something down then it becomes somehow more the truth, more permanent, more locked into a certain form. and i'm not ready for that. maybe because i don't know exactly how it will resolve.

i am making some changes. good changes, more time at home, more cooking, doing what makes me happy. sleeping and waking up at the right times. it seems like those things should be so simple but they have eluded me for months now. i meditated. i went to the grocery store. i cleaned the house.

still, despite all the good strong healthy happy things, i am unable to delete the message from my cell phone: "hi, it's david. i called to say happy new year. i am in new york city, i will see you when i get back. bye."