civil / war

December 14, 2003
12.30p

by any possible metric you could apply, this year in my life has been a huge success. so why do i keep sitting here, staring at this white box, trying to figure out what words to put inside it that will convey how incredibly stuck i feel?

***

when something happens with david that i perceive as being good i pin so much hope to it, i wave it around proudly. it is so much more difficult to bring myself to record the things that make me feel deflated.

on thursday night i called him to wish him good luck on his friday morning finals. he said "can i call you back in a little bit?" i said "sure, no problem. bye."

i have not heard from him since.

and i know this is not a huge deal. but i just wish i knew. did something prevent him from calling back? something that makes a strange david kind of sense in his own mind? or did he just forget. but i don't think i want to know, because i don't want to deal with what it means if it's the latter.

***

ps. tonight i ate pizza and watched a terrible movie and we made fun of it and all four of our names started with 'a'. and she took a picture standing there with aaron, me wearing a sombrero and he in a dia de los muertos mask with his black rectangular glasses over the top. and it was a polaroid so i can say that it is a very cute photo. and i laughed and laughed thinking of a little irish mother being hit on by an international fencer. it was a good night.