what i wanted to say just now at the goodnight goodbye after the hug with my right arm over his shoulder and his left arm around me with his hand touching my lower back was "no don't leave now. don't go anywhere, come inside with me right now and just sit and talk some more or come into my bed and we can just sleep or better yet not sleep at all, it can be so easy and it is right." i can't say those things.
what i said instead was "you say that i have blind faith in you. but it's not blind. it's just faith."
sometimes when he talks and i look up and his eyes are right on me i get so lost. and i miss some words because of the way his mouth moves around them. because of the way his fingernails are always a little too long. the way that he twirls his cap around his head and scrubs at his hair with one hand and doesn't seem to realize it. because of the way that nobody's eyes have ever been able to lock me still before and how his fingers sometimes brush against mine when he moves his hands, or how he can smile and it saves me over and over.
talking about breaking up with her he said "it's going to be so hard."
i know that doesn't mean to wait for it. but i said it to aaron this morning over brunch and he agreed. waiting or not waiting. it does not apply. i can see him or not see him for weeks or months and it still feels the same. there is no out, not now. because i really don't want an out. not now.
hey you. hi. do you know that we just spent seven hours soaking each other up? do you know that i memorized each crease in your forehead, that you have been frowning too much? that you loosened something, quieted something and it felt like breathing for the first time?
what i wanted to say just now at the goodnight goodbye after the hug with my right arm over his shoulder and his left arm around me with his hand touching my lower back was "i love you. and i know that i will never love like this again."