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December 04, 2003

when i get like this i can't stop can't think and so i go and go and go and that way i do not have to think much about anything or feel much of anything at all and i can't stop even though my tired tired wants me to.

but the tired saves me because it erases the minutes that are the worst, the minutes that happen after i crawl into bed before i fall asleep. when i'm going and going and never quite sleeping enough and certainly never just sitting still thinking or resting then i achieve the perfect state of constant low-level tired where i can still function but those minutes cease to be. there is a collapse waiting for me inside my bed, and it is called relief.

if there is an empty moment i make a phone call. i run an errand. i send an email, check a website. i bring up news sites and i sit there mindlessly mechanically hitting reload-reload-reload just hoping for something to change.

just hoping for a change.

because when i hit reload-reload-reload and something changes then it means that i don't have to go to bed yet, not for another half hour, another hour.

and i move my body and my mouth in ways that are acceptable. hi hello how are you i am fine really i am just fine and oh look what i did today oh look at this interesting thing i found tell me a story tell me anything funny sad or boring but don't just let me sit here in the silence because when it is silent then i can start to hear screaming from somewhere inside.