then you have those days that seem like they should be perfect, but somehow...
like today. a houseful of really amazing people, dinner turned out perfectly, everything was warm and happy and right. 15 bottles of wine somehow disappeared. resting sluggish on the couch and talking and laughing and music. and this one guy who was here? he looked just like my brother. it was really weird in a good way. i kept wanting to call him alex.
i don't know why but when the door clicked shut with them all on the other side out in the cold and me in here with mountains of the most disastrous mess you've ever seen. i just felt this incredible wave of sadness. and tears welled up while i washed dishes and scraped congealed gravy away.
maybe it's the wondering where's my person...where's the one who wants to stay right there with me and clean up together and crawl into bed together so exhausted and tangled. i mean i don't think i'm ready for that yet but i just feel like when when when? maybe it's the thinking of things that have gone wrong, ended badly and for what. no reason. it was so stupid and petty and really just about nothing at all. and it changes everything, and always will. or thinking about all the ways i am never quite what i want to be.
maybe it's just that i'm so tired my bones are heavy and my head wants to flop to one side.
i mean. really it was a very good day.
when someone has a pure soul you can just read it all over them. and it is the most beautiful thing.
i don't know what i'm trying to say here. there is something that wants to come out and i keep trying to get at it and i cannot. so i will just stop.
just this side of love
is where you'll find the confidence
not to continue