you can sleep in my bed

November 21, 2003
2.45p

he knows something is different. and all i can say is "no i am not mad at you," over and over. i mean how do i possibly articulate what it is, what is bothering me. how do i express that i hate not waking up next to him every day. that i miss that, even though i never had it. it doesn't make any sense and i know it, i know i care too much. i care too much.

how do i tell him that everyone needs other people to be really the happiest. it's not weakness or dependence. it's strong i think to allow yourself to lean a bit on someone, let them wrap you up in love and trust them not to walk away and leave you shivering.

all those things he has said or written. living life fully, feeling deeply, following your heart without fear. how there aren't really that many true and meaningful things in the world, and even fewer that we can actually recognize for what they are. i don't want those to be just words. i don't want him to be a hypocrite and too afraid to live them. i don't want him to be like everyone else.

i want him to believe that when you find something like what we have. nothing else...

***

i will take you broken i will take you sad i will take you selfish i will take you and love you and heal you. i am strong enough to do that if you just let me, just let me try. just find your way to me. i will make it easy.