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where do we belong?

November 19, 2003

why is it that when i decide i need to pull back he's all over the place.

he called at 9. "want to go to a show?" i was so irritated, he has invited me to this show four different times now and either keeps forgetting that or just keeps inviting me over and over for some reason, each time as if it were the first we've discussed it. so i always considered it tentative, figured he would forget or flake, and when i hadn't heard from him by this evening i thought it wasn't on. but he called at 9 saying he was outside my apartment. i didn't answer and he left a message. i called him back around 9.45 from the car on my way home. told him i wasn't up for it. he said "are you mad at me? everyone is mad at me now." i said no, i said i am not mad at you and he thanked me. and i'm not mad at him. maybe i am sad at him. mostly i feel like a lovesick dog around him lately and i don't want to be that again.

got home around 10.15. my roommates said "sorry, we tried to get him to hang out longer but he just left." "ummm...who?" david was here, in my apartment, hanging out with my roommates, until 10, waiting for me to get home. he was here when i called him back. he was sitting in my big green chair in my own living room when i called him back. he didn't tell me he was here. he just said "okay, i just thought i'd ask you." i said "have fun at the show" and he said "i will." he left right before i got home.

there is no point to all this. missing him by ten minutes or by two years. there is no point and no silver goddamn lining and it just hurts. i want it to be over now. i want to be innocent again. i want to not know what this feels like. i just want to forget.