a better kind of hope

October 26, 2003
6.56a

in my dream he was looking at me with the eyes i have loved enough to get lost, enough to build bridges, enough to change me. listing things he doesn't know. "i don't know why i didn't finish my paper on time." like that. "i don't know why i don't love you." and the words settled down out of the air into the floor and took my breath and heart and hope with them. "and i don't know why i didn't just say that a long time ago."

"no, that's fine" i said. "that's fine, i am fine." like always.

after i woke up i felt awful for awhile but right now realizing that it's true. i am fine. would be. my truth is independent of his words thoughts reactions. i have managed a consistency in the face of messy improbability. even if he didn't love me at all. i would still love him and that would still be wonderful because of who he is and who i am. and what love is, i mean the really real true thing. how we save each other anyway, no matter what we call the in-between-us. and the power of the knowing. is that i can leave it untended without fear.

oh my.