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October 21, 2003

another big change coming. everyone keeps saying it will be better. i don't feel so sure but then i'm not good at change. the last six years have taught me to fear change. and i just...why can't i get to stability. i'm so frustrated. every time i think i'm getting things close to manageable something blows up. and the thing about being the one who can take it. is you just have to take it.

self-censoring sucks.

i just. GOD. can't i just figure my shit out. i mean really. i always say i should know better by now like haha what a quirky ironic thing to say. but i really fucking should know better by now. i should be doing this all so so much better. but i don't know how.

and just all this fear lately. abandonment/alone fears. i make choices that reinforce them. i don't know why. right now i don't like myself that much.