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we'll wait for a miracle

October 19, 2003

i backed into a pickup's trailer hitch and now i have no red glass on my left taillight.

i ran 11 miles. had a complete emotional freakout in mile 10. i mean freak. out. panicky can't breathe ohmygodlifeistoobigtoohard whatamidoinghere and why can't i get over this and that and helphelphelp. h was from the heavens. while i cried and laughed insanely at the same time with cars whizzing by on lincoln ave she said "tell me how you feel." she said "maybe you just need to release something." and i think she was right. afterward i was exhausted but clear. really clear and something was gone from the ball of ugly always stuck inside between stomach and spine.

i did something really stupid. momentary. not a backslide. just...a mistake.

weekend away, oh! taking silly pictures and just easy and wonderful laughing and free and knowing that we are good enough just as ourselves, and agreeing that what people should strive for is to be fully themselves, no more no less. music and music and music. sun and trees.

when jeff mangum sings it feels like perfect understanding. it feels like love. like being saved.

in my dreams you're alive and you're crying
as your mouth moves in mine soft and sweet
rings of flowers round your eyes and i love you
for the rest of my life and you're in deep