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October 16, 2003

in my dream last night i stepped into a soft, fluffy snowbank because i wanted to sink a little, to be alone and deep and away. but it turned out to be so much deeper than i thought. i sank and sank and sank the whole time realizing there was nothing i could do to stop myself. when i stopped i was maybe 30 feet below the surface. buried alive with a small channel i could see through up to the top. i fought panic and just lay still because i knew thrashing would make it worse. i yelled and yelled and finally someone came to the edge, then another, then five or six people all around the edge of the hole i made at the top, i was yelling for them to get my dad. yelling his name. where they could find him. they all went away and the panic was worse knowing i could never climb out through all that fluffy snow oh please god let them come back.

then suddenly i was on the top with a rope, pulling someone out of the same hole in the snow. hand over hand, knotted at even intervals. blue nylon rope and i pulled and pulled and then someone i don't even know came out of the hole. and everyone ran to her, hugged her, this torrent of love. and i thought, wait, that was me. how did i get up here? and i felt a little left out.