different

October 10, 2003
8.33a

i thought it would be so different, i had plans of confrontation and conflict, killing a situation by dragging this huge spotlight in and shining it right dead center with so much drama and saying look, decide, in or out. and it would be out and that would be terrible now but ultimately okay of course because isn't that how things work. i just knew i needed to be more clear of him, more out of his sphere of influence.

another way things work is that plans get scrapped at run time. he was so tired and sweet and defeated, up for 48 hours and still with this desperate not wanting to go home. i couldn't force myself to add more worries. so we decided on a show and went to do that but then it changed again when the show was sold out.

so instead it was burritos then the deep cozy red-walled bar with the "satan's got your nose" bartender and her friends who clustered alllll the way down at the other end by the jukebox playing endless. endless. elton john. who has his appeal, sure, but an hour later when we were hearing rocket man for the second time and they were all singing along doing air drums it became a little surreal. we eyed them across a long candle-lit bar and discussed the nature of social interaction. standards of meaningfulness.

it was one of those nights where i never can think of the right thing to say and somehow the dynamic never gels but i think that was good because i think maybe the same original goal was achieved in another way? not sure about that but somewhere between cancun and the rite spot it became clear that everything had shifted and now i wonder if it has been simply or partially a retreat into him, making it big and consuming again to avoid dealing with anything that's really now, what did h say, any pain or possibility.

and it is that.

and it isn't that.

and really, what it is can't be summed up neatly in a diary entry or a thousand. it's its own creature, separate from either of us and always always both more in control than i fear and less in control than i hope. what to do with that, i don't know. but i am less pressed down than yesterday, more expanded and feeling like i can look in many directions instead of just the one.