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September 21, 2003

and as i said it while we surveyed the depleted drinks table i knew i really meant it. with some people you can love them. and be in love with them. and think they're the most beautiful and amazing thing you've ever known. and it's still better to hold it at friendship. knowing someone forever and getting to always be in their heart is sustaining and worthwhile also.

the strangest thing is that i can believe that fully. and also believe in the possibility of a true thing and seeing it and knowing it and the inevitability of it all. stupid stupid insidious fairy tale programming i think.

a few people thought i was upset or mad or something last night but i wasn't. i'm not. i'm tired and a little numb and just without a lot of emotion or energy to offer just now. recharging.

i want to be moved and positioned and posed like a plastic doll. just for a little while. restrained and powerless.