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touch (soon i'll be)

September 13, 2003
4:06 pm

another dream of him last night, first dream kiss i think. and so so real with the feeling of tongue and somehow teeth kept clashing and it was kissing but also like struggling. and falling back on some rough-covered sofa in some room in a house where i've never been. so so real again like not dreaming but more like the dream was an actual place where we could meet. him holding me like spoons this time and ah the feeling of presence and warmth, bodies pressing alive hard and soft.

aaron asked "is your crush on d back?" it surprised me because first of all it was never what i would call a crush. second when i think about it. everything it was. it never went away, just became manageable. i said "i think i will always love him and never be with him." i imagine things, i imagine spending time with him and maybe a little too much to drink and telling him that i think he will always be the one i loved the most.

but it's okay you know, it's so hot and there's sun and i was out for so long with cherry vanilla italian soda and revolving friends and sweat and sunscreen making my skin shiny.

dinner was. smiles and laughter and a hug too long and tight and holding so that tears came in the middle of it and kept going until somewhere in the middle of the bay bridge but that was okay too. she is lost. unhappy. i wish a change for her, one way or the other. i mean i don't really know what's best for her, it might not be me or c. she asked me to tell her what to do. i said "you know i can't" and i don't know, maybe i could. but i won't.

you know what it is. i just want to fall asleep with my head in someone's lap while they speak softly to me, maybe telling me a story and petting my hair. that's what i want more than anything right now. it doesn't even have to mean anything.