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September 12, 2003
8:41 am

one more day to get through, just one more then it's the weekend then i can breathe and maybe unclench my fists a little. one more day and dinner with her. i wonder how that will be. i wonder.

shouldn't you be grown up enough by now to realize that it isn't good to break things because you're angry?

she is out of control i think.

dreams last night, drugs and contact. he (he! him! will he always be the one whom i call that?) lying on my floor loosely curled on his side, parenthetical. i took a blanket and lay behind him, matching his curve, he settled back to close the distances. my arm around his side, face resting on that wonderful shoulder-neck place. whenever that happens, that kind of dream, it always feels so real. not just realistic. real. it feels like he was in some way here with me last night. i want to ask him, see if he ever had anything like that. of course i won't. it is not the nature of our relationship at present to be able to ask such things.