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if there are no endings then what is now?

August 16, 2003
9:26 pm

dinner with her last night and oh i cried like rain. on and on through dinner, then walking around a little i cried and cried. i was not okay. she asked if i was okay and i said no. i said i will be. i think i will be. but i wanted to shake her and yell and push my tongue into her mouth and press her and fuck her and make her understand that this is so so much more than "just friends" and when she says we're "just friends" it sounds like knives, like tearing.

so i went home and then i went outside again and i drank to forget her. i drank. to forget her little eyebrows. the squeeze of her hand. the marks i would leave on her belly. the always smiles she gave me like she couldn't remember anything else.

i never do that, drink to forget. but i drank at the wine bar, then i drank at a party. and the really terrible thing is this: i had a good time. it worked. i talked and i laughed and i was funny. damn it, i was funny. maybe even a little bit charming. and i kissed the friend i like to kiss. and today driving realized that it was my first kiss since that saturday, the day before my birthday, the day we slept together, three days before it all crashed. but i didn't even think about that at the time, i was just forgetting.

and then i went home and i went to bed and then spinning spinning oh and i got up ran for the bathroom threw up. and i mean i never ever do that, not since high school.

it worked. but it didn't really work because this morning i felt it hard and fast and like some necessary piece of me wasn't there anymore. like most of these days, but somehow with more reality.

now i think about h's expectations bit. i mean that some of this wrenching feeling is because she didn't act like i expected her to act. like i'd always known her to act. and then...who is she? where is the girl from that cold classroom? where is the girl who stood for hours in the rain drenched parking lot because neither of us could tear away, we were that enmeshed, even then. and the girl who saw a future with me, life with a purpose.

the girl she was would never say no. and so finally she's not even she. and i am feeling. a bit lost.