on belonging

August 11, 2003
10:38 pm

the last night in my parents' house and i am so ready to go home. and i am worried too but mostly i feel so goddamn relieved to have a home to go home to, i mean somewhere that really feels like being rooted and in the proper place.

minnesota is hot and sticky now. steamy blue skies and clean lakes. the coffee is thin and insubstantial, the food is too substantial. the conversations are hearty and good-natured, strangers smile and wave, hugs come easily. people work and play and drive here and there and go up and down stairs and it all makes so much sense. and it all just goes and goes and so steady. nothing really unexpected happens and nobody ever says "how did i get here?" or "that was intense" or "i cannot contain it all" or any of those things that i feel and think and say maybe too much but maybe not because maybe that's what it is to be really alive.

i do not fit here.

and she talked to me today. online and it brought tears, thankful for bad phone reception because i don't think i would have been able to bear hearing her. there have been sad times of missing her. and she tried to call me a couple of days ago, the call i didn't get. she was feeling down and she wanted to talk to me. and i mean it's fine, it's going to be just fine, but why and why WHY. why if i am where you want to be when you feel sad just why please tell me because i don't understand. you made a choice and shouldn't she be the one you call when you're sad? to hold you until you stop shaking and feed you something she made herself and tuck you under the covers with a cup of tea, those things that i have done and would gladly do again. i can ease your soul. can she?

i will be alone now. it will be okay.

i am packed i am ready i am coming home.