holding pattern

August 03, 2003
8:48 am

she's taking someone else. to our place. our place, it's ours, it's supposed to be for us! our little inn in mendocino and she's taking c. she's going there with someone else and not me. and i say "wow, it's getting serious huh". she says "no, not serious not serious no". i say "who are you trying to convice". she says "i have learned, i am different, i do not want to limit anyone". i say "lucky her".

i taught her these things and now someone else gets a better version of her. and i'm just squeezed dry, trying to remember what joy feels like. i can't imagine ever wanting to bring someone else to that place. and god it hurts that she can. because i know that she is really and completely over it and done with it now. she doesn't love me anymore. stupid tears. stupid heart.